To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Du vet du har en retriever i hus når..

– Det ligger tennisballer under sofa’n
– Det som ser ut som gulvteppe er egentlig et fint lag med labradorpels
– Det er poteavtrykk på kjøleskapet
– Kjøkkengulvet er biologisk rensket for brødsmuler
– Alle pipeleker har fått fløyta fjernet med kirurgisk presisjon
– Kosedyr og hundeseng mangler fyll
– Hagen ser ut som en arkeologisk utgravning med bein og trevirke spredd utover
– Barna har alltid nyvaskede ansikter og våte hender
– Sko forsvinner sporløst fra yttergangen
– Stua er fri for pynteting i halehøyde
– Nymalte flater er lodne av hundehår
– Det forsvinner stadig vedkubber fra vedstabelen…
– Fuglematen som legges ut er borte før noen fugl rekker fram…
– Fuglebadet er veltet og tømt for vann hver dag
– Det henger et badehåndkle til hunden ved inngangsdøra